- King Joseph I – The King wrote to ask me about purchasing a ghost town so he could bring his “micronation” to the United States.
- I gave him directions to Cuba.
- Mike, what happened to your eyebrows?
- Let’s just say you should not attempt to lite your gas furnace when there is a gas leak.
- So, who is this Bear grease Anne of the late 1800s?
- She is the lady in Ouray that used to charge the trains to go through her land. When they stopped paying her she got out the bear grease and greased the tracks so the train couldn’t get up the hill past her place. The RR decided it was easier to pay than fight.
- Mike, what are all the bicycle marks in your driveway?
- Well we had some construction in the house and the contractor put a porta potty in the driveway. The two small boys across the street thought it was a great adventure. They would hop on their bikes, zoom across their driveway into mine and come to a sliding stop in front of the porta potty. So, for three weeks the boys only used the porta potty as their private bathroom. These are the same two boys that got in a disagreement in my back yard. The smaller one started crying and when his mom asked him if he was hurt his brother quickly answer, “Not very bad”.
- My daughter took her car into the shop because it was making a funny noise. They said to her. “Do you have a cat?”
- Kate said No – They replied, “Well then maybe your neighbors are missing a cat as we found one under your hood and it was not in good shape.”
- Mike, we heard you have a fool proof method to handle your neighbors barking dogs. You know, the ones that have been waking you up in the middle of the night,
- Well I don’t have a solution but I do get my revenge. I wait until I see the dogs relaxing and snoozing in their back yard. Then open my window a little and I get out my silent whistle. One sharp blow and they are up and running around barking. They try to discover where the noise is coming from. Only the dogs can hear it. Than as soon as they start to settle down I blow it again. I do that until the neighbor decides to come outside to see why his dogs are barking.
- Grandpa, why does your phone go quack quack?
- That is to let me know your Grandma is calling.
- Okay – I need to explain before you get the wrong idea. We used to have a family of ducks that nested in our back yard. They would quack at everything all day long. My wife, your grandma, told me she loved hearing the ducks quack. So, I thought that would be a good ringtone for her when she calls me. Well when I was setting up my phone she was sleeping on the couch by me. I set the ring tone and tried it out. “Quack Quack” went my phone and Grandma jumped up out of her sleep and shouted, “the ducks are back” … I had to tell her it was just my phone.